Beta Feedback Examples
by MrHolbyta
Summary: An example of how I would respond as a beta to a particular chapter of fanfiction. My example is Chapter 1 of "Harry Potter Who?" by HP.HG.fanforever


I thought I would publish my 6000 words required to offer my services as a beta by taking a published fanfic and providing the feedback I would offer as a beta. This chapter comes from .fanforever's novel **Harry Potter Who? **My notes are surrounded by brackets, my additions to the text are underlined. My comments are meant to be simply data for the author to consider. I try to make clear what the original text is so the author can consider the changes in context. Ideally the notes, here in brackets, would be done in Word using its note feature.

[bold chapter title to set it apart]**Chapter One: Harry's Life before Hogwarts**

A ten-year-old boy [pick a tense for your description, I think the past tense works well for stories like this]huddled[deleted 's'] in his room. 'His room' he thought. 'I wonder if this is the way every child without parents lives.' You see, Harry's room [deleted 'i']was a cupboard under the stairs. His parents died when he was a baby and someone left him [deleted 'here', we understand where he was left] with his aunt and uncle.

Life was not easy for Harry. His relatives did not [This feels like a good place to use separate words to create emphasis.] want him there, because they thought he was a freak [deleted 'according to them' using the active voice provides a smoother flow to your prose]. He didn't understand that; he [these ideas are connected enough they work well as a compound sentence; the semicolon is used because they are grammatically complete sentences] was no different from his cousin Dudley. Of course, Dudley was stupid and lazy. (Harry thought about this a lot.) [This feels like a whispered aside inserted in the series of contrasts you're listing. Try reading it aloud (a great idea to improve your writing in general) to see what I mean.] Dudley was fat (so was his uncle); Harry was skinny. Dudley got plenty to eat; Harry barely got anything to eat. Dudley was stupid; Harry was smart, but had to hide his intelligence. Dudley was lazy; Harry had to do all the work around the house. The[deleted 'y'] Dursley's had him start as soon as he was old enough to know what to do.

Harry didn't even know his own name until he started school; he thought it was either 'Boy' or 'Freak'. He didn't dare talk back or fail to do his work, because neither was healthy for him. Sometimes[deleted space since it is one word], he wondered how he survived. 'Doctor' and 'hospital' were concepts which didn't apply to him[deleted 'not words in his vocabulary']. When he started school, the nurse asked him why he was so skinny; his aunt said he was sickly. She thought this strange as Harry seldom missed a day of school [maybe he missed a lot of school to conceal his abuse. This also fits really well with the next sentence. When Harry returns to school after recovering from an injury, there is a lingering pain in his eyes, which the nurse notices and troubles her. (Please don't confuse the convention of discussing the events of a story in the present tense with the use of the past tense within most narratives, which I suggest you employ here.)]. She could see pain in his eyes when he returned, but he always said he was fine. Never shed a tear. If he wouldn't complain, there wasn't much she could do.

Meanwhile[space deleted, again one word] in a castle in Scotland, an older woman was looking at the list of students [deleted 'to'] who would enroll in the next couple of years. One name stood out: Harry Potter. 'How can this be?' she thought. 'He died nine years ago.' She looked at the address. Harry Potter; Cupboard under the Stairs; #4 Privet Dr., Surrey, England. She studied the address for a long time. 'What a strange address.' She made up her mind that she would not wait until next year to see if this was indeed the Harry Potter she thought it was or just someone with the same name. She would have to dress as a Muggle.[deleted 'the part ,'] After all, this was not official school business and the family may not be magical.

Before her trip, she checked out the area [How?] to find out if there were any safe places to apparate[deleted ' to safely']. She found a park two blocks from the house that was safe enough and made plans to visit the next evening.

As Minerva walked down the street, she noticed that all the houses looked alike [deleted space; one word]. 'Do these people have no imagination?' She just shook her head in disgust. When she reached #4, she had to admire the flowerbed out front. There was a young boy that was maybe eight or nine working in the flowers. "Those flowers are very pretty. Your mother does very nice work." She said.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but my mother is dead," the boy replied. [When a quotation ends and is followed by further description, such as an attribution, it is correct to replace a period with a comma.]

"I'm sorry to hear that. Who does the garden work then, your father?" ['Than' is comparative: "She had more cats than anyone else he knew." 'Then' is temporal: "She went to the grocery store; then the hair dresser."]

"Oh no, ma'am. He's dead too. I do all the work in the garden."

"Oh dear! I'm sorry to keep bringing up such painful subjects. Who do you live with then? Who takes care of you?" [Minerva is named after the goddess of wisdom. She knows the Potters are dead. She must see the resemblance with James. She must begin to suspect who she is talking to at this point. Combing his size with his comment about gardening, I imagine she may begin to worry about how he is treated. I would suggest she talk a bit with Harry here, verify who he is; ask if he enjoys gardening. This way, she goes in to talk with Petunia armed with more information simply to confirm Harry's story.]

"I live with my aunt and uncle."

"Are they at home?"

"Yes ma'am, they are. Excuse me but I have to finish before I can eat. [deleted '" "'] Maybe." He whispered the last word, not intending for her [deleted '. He didn't think it was loud enough for the woman'] to hear, but Minerva had [deleted 'very good'] almost cat-like hearing. [This is the perfect way to end the extended discussion I describe above.]

Schooling her features, Minerva approached the door and knocked. A horse-faced woman answered the door. "May I help you?" she asked in a nasal[deleted 'ly'] voice.

"Perhaps.['Maybe,' I just think it sounds more like what an older woman would say] My name is [deleted 'I am'] Minerva McGonagall. May I come in? I wanted to discuss an educational opportunity with you." [This gives her a reason to get past the door, but after her discussion with Harry, avoids bringing up his name to get her foot in the door.]

"Petunia Dursley. Please come in. Just let me get my husband. Can I get you some tea?"

"That would be lovely, thank you."

[deleted 'They went into the living room and the lady-of-the-house offered her tea.

"I'm Petunia Dursley."' You've fallen into telling us what is happening in this section, rather than showing us.]

Once they settled in the sitting room, Vernon asked, "Now, what's this about an educational opportunity? I'll warn you, we're planning on sending Dudley to my old school, Smeltings. Our boy's a chip off the old block, he is."

"Is he?," Minerva mused. "I'm actually looking for [deleted 'a young boy that goes by the name of'] Harry Potter."

"Why would you be looking for Him?" [deleted 'she asked with disdain'] Petunia sneered.

"[deleted 'He maybe'] It's possible he's the son of some friends of mine. They were killed a few years ago [deleted 'died a long time ago' For Minerva at this point, a decade isn't a particularly long time]. I was told he'd been killed,[deleted 'thought he was dead'] too. I just want to be sure." She explained.

"What makes you think he lives here?"

"[deleted 'I work for a']While performing my duties as Deputy Headmistress of my school, I [deleted 'and'] came across his name listed at [deleted 'and gave'] this address. Doesn't a Harry Potter live here?" Minerva asked.

Petunia and Vernon studied her for a long time; then shared a look.

"You're one of them aren't you? Get out of my house. I won't have your kind in my house. It's bad enough we have to house that 'freak'. We don't have to let in others. Now get out!" [deleted 'she screamed'] Vernon bellowed.

[With the changes suggested above, the next four paragraphs aren't needed. If you decide not to have Vernon join the discussion before this (it just seems like he would be there for a discussion about Dudley's future), I see no issues with the passage, although I might change "the yelling" to "this yelling."] A whale of a man came waddling in the living room with a plate of cake in his hand. "What's all the yelling about?"

"She's one of them, Vernon. She's asking about 'him'."

Vernon looked at her puzzled. "The freak" he asked.

"Yes."

[The discussion I proposed fits well with the following.]

"Please," Minerva pleaded, "If it is the Harry I'm thinking of, his parents were dear friends, and I wanted to check on him and, perhaps visit with him for a few minutes."

"Why? After all this time, why now?" he asked, his face turning purple with rage.

Minerva was having trouble controlling her anger, the nerve of them considering her a freak. "As I said, [deleted 'I thought he was dead.'] I was told he died with his parents. Evidently, that was a lie [deleted 'I was lied to']. May I speak to Harry?"

"[deleted 'Will others come?']Are we going to have lots of you weirdos turning up at our house?" he [deleted 'asked'] demanded.

"No. I think it will be safer for him, and you, if no one else knows he is here, if it is him."

"Oh, it's him alright. Dumbledore dropped him off here in the middle of the night. Said he had to stay. I'd rather he was anywhere but here." Vernon [deleted 'was'] grumbled [deleted 'ing by the time he was done'].

[If you take my suggestion above about having Minerva talk with Harry before coming in, I would nix the conversation with him inside. Minerva can instead say something like "It's obvious you don't want me here. Good day to you both," and leave. She knows for certain this is the right Harry Potter and that Dumbledore was involved in placing him with the Dursleys and can proceed with your story as written. I'll still leave notes below in case you decide to include the following conversation.]

"May I, please, speak to him?" Petunia went to the front door.

"Boy! Get in here now," she commanded [deleted 'screamed' I can't imagine Petunia drawing the neighbors' attention by screaming].

When she [deleted 'Petunia'] returned, she was followed by the boy had seen working in the flower garden.

"That can't be Harry, He's only eight or [deleted 'maybe'] nine years old. [deleted 'Harry'] James and Lily's son is ten." Minerva exclaimed.

"I just turned ten, ma'am." Harry said.

She couldn't believe her eyes. She thought 'They don't want him here. [deleted 'Could'] I need to take him away from these awful people? Where could I take him and keep him safe? I'll need a few days to work out the details [deleted 'time to plan'].

[deleted '"Harry, are you happy here?"

He looked at his aunt and uncle, but refused to answer. His fear was evident. She had her answer. She had to find away to get him away from here.' Minerva must know that this question can do nothing good for Harry if she isn't immediately taking him with her. Why would she cause him any more problems?]

"I found out what I came for. I may return in a few days to try and work out a more beneficial arrangement for everyone,[deleted 'will be in touch.']" she said as she got up to leave.

When she returned to the castle, Minerva pored over the list of future students. There had to be someone out there that [deleted 'might' Anyone might be able to help. She needs actual, not possible, help.] would be able to help. She knew she couldn't bring him into the magical world yet. She needed a non-magical family. [Why? Maybe it would be culture shock. Is she worried a magical person would alert Dumbledore? In many ways, a magical family seems ideal, but I know you want to get he and Hermione together, but show us her thinking instead of telling us her conclusions.] Then, she found them, a family named Granger. [Why the Grangers? What set them apart in her mind? A better idea might be to have Gulliver investigate the families and suggest the Grangers because of their volunteer work with abused children.] They lived just outside London. She needed to find out more about them. Minerva had many friends in the Muggle world and she called in some favors. One such friend was a solicitor she knew would be discreet.

John Gulliver [deleted 'owed'] was forever in Minerva's debt [deleted 'big time'] and after she told him what she wanted but not why, he told her he would not consider this as a payment on an old debt: [deleted 'Child abuse was one of his biggest hatreds.'] He would help any abused child he became aware of.

John Gulliver had some of his associates do background checks [Perhaps after performing a number of background checks, he could provide a short list of recommendations with dossiers among which Minerva could chose.] and went to the Granger residence three days later.

"Hello, my name is John Gulliver. I'm a solicitor and I think you can help my client. [deleted 'and would like to talk to you if'] Could I have a moment of your [deleted 'have the'] time?"

Dan Granger held out his hand and invited John into his home.

"This is my wife Emma and my daughter Hermione. What can we do for you Mr. Gulliver?" Dan [deleted 'said'] asked as they entered the living room of their two story Victorian home.

"A friend of mine is looking for a family that might accept an[deleted 'other'] abused child into their home."

"And what makes you think that we would be interested?" Dan asked.

"I've been checking you and your family out for the last couple of days, talked to friends and associates. You and I have one thing in common. We hate child abuse."

Dan and Emma shared a look and nodded.

"[deleted 'I assume you're looking to place an abused child.'] Why do you want to place this child with us? Why not with family services?" Emma asked.

"I don't know all the details, but from what I can gather, this is a rather special child and we don't want to lose him in the system."

"You said 'him' so I can assume we're talking abut a boy." John nodded his head. "How old?"

"My friend says he just turned ten."

"What else can you tell us about him?"

"That's all I really know except he is in bad shape and really needs a home."

"Daddy?" his daughter asked.

"Yes sweetheart?"

"[deleted 'You'] We need to do this."

"And why is that Hermione?"

"You always talk about how you hate child abuse and you help out at the local center. Wouldn't it be better to go all the way just once?" She asked.

Emma looked at her daughter. The sincerity in her eyes said she had deep feelings about this and she was proud of her. "Dan, perhaps she's right. [deleted 'maybe'] We've [deleted 'should'] seen [deleted 'first hand'] what [deleted 'it's like to deal with it first hand. See what it's really like for' these kids deal with, but this is a chance to provide a place for a child to really heal."

Dan knew that if both the women in his life ganged up on him, he didn't stand a chance. [deleted '¶'] "I think we are interested, in principle, in taking him. When can we meet the boy [deleted 'and how difficult will it be to bring him to us']? [deleted 'What'] Are there any legal complications? I suppose we should ask what it will [deleted 'it'] cost us in legal fees, as well. [deleted '?']"

Gulliver responded, "This is Wednesday; I think we can have him here to meet you this weekend. Is that too soon? [deleted ' enough'] I will waive my fees [deleted 'on']for this [deleted 'one'] case, as a favor to my friend."

"That will be fine. I'll be sure and clear our calendar so that we are free this weekend."

"Good, I'll contact my friend and set things up. [deleted 'and'] We'll see you Saturday morning, shall we say around ten?"

"That sounds good. We'll see you Saturday morning." [deleted 'Dan stood and shook John's hand and'] As they stood, John shook Dan and Emma's hands and thanked Hermione for her persuasive words, resulting in a bright blush, as the Grangers showed him to the door.

When they returned to the living room, his daughter gave [deleted 'him'] Dan a big hug. [deleted '¶'] "Thank you Daddy. I don't know why, but I think you may have just changed my life."

"Why do you say that, Hermione?"

"I don't know really. It's just a feeling that I have."

That evening John wrote a letter.

[added italics]_Dear Minerva,_

_I met with the people we talked about and they are willing to meet. They check out and they all agree in principle with what little I could tell them. Nice home, clean, well to do, but not rich. Perfect from what I could see. Will meet 18 at 10._

_Your__s_[deleted '_friend_']_,_

_John_

He tied the note to his owl's leg. "Make sure Minerva is alone when you deliver this." He said to his owl and released it out his window.

The following evening his owl returned with a brief note [deleted 'message'].

[italics added]_John,_

_Will meet you on 18 at 9. Will use your transport._

_Minerva_

The wheels were set in motion; now all he could do is wait, and wonder who [deleted 'is'] this boy was, in whom [deleted 'that'] his old friend has taken such an interest. [deleted ' in']

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4

Saturday morning at half eight found Minerva McGonagall knocking at the door at #4 Privet Drive once more.

A muffled voice bellowed, "Answer the door, Boy!"

The door opened and Minerva was horrified to see Harry, wearing a new bruise on his cheek, who greeted her, "Oh, Mrs. McGonagall!" [deleted '"Who is it?" a weak voice called out.']

"[deleted 'Minerva McGonagall.'] I wish to speak with your aunt and uncle," Minerva gently asked.

[deleted '"Answer the door 'Boy'." Vernon bellowed.']

Harry opened the door fully and weakly whispered, "Follow me please." [deleted 'She was shocked to see a new bruise on Harry's left cheek.']

She followed him down the hallway to the kitchen, were she found the Dursleys eating breakfast. From what she could see, the males of the house ate more than two normal people each. Harry [deleted 'was still']returned to his cooking.

When Vernon saw who it was, he nearly cho[deleted 'c']ked. "What are you doing back here? I thought we were rid of you and your kind?"

"I've come to make you a deal." She said. 'Even if it doesn't work out with the Grangers, there is no way Harry is [deleted 'coming back'] continuing to live here.'

"What sort of deal?" Vernon asked between bites, his eyes narrowing.

"Harry will come with me, never to return. [deleted 'and when the']A solicitor will arrive in a few days [deleted 'shows up'] with [deleted 'the'] adoption papers. You will sign them. In return, we will not prosecute you for child abuse."

Harry nearly dropped the platter of fresh biscuits at hearing this.

"Idle threats. They won't prosecute us anyway."

"Really?"[deleted 'How do you know they won't?'] Minerva arched an accusatory eyebrow.

"Dumbledore said he would take of it. Whenever someone complains to Family Services, they come, they look, they leave, and we don't hear any more until the next time they visit."

"I see." She paused [deleted 'to think this over'] in consternation. "Alright, Harry still leaves with me, you say nothing to anyone," she paused, fixing Vernon with a cold stare which had caused so many students to quail, "and you get to live."

All three Dursleys cho[deleted 'c']ked [deleted 'on'] at that. [deleted 'statement']

"You wouldn't dare." Petunia [deleted 'said'] declared with a shaky voice.

"Try me." [deleted 'She said with a'] Her feral grin [deleted 'that'] had them all backing up. [deleted '¶'] "Harry, pack your things. We're leaving, now."

Harry cautiously looked at Minerva who gave him a small nod and a smile before she resumed glaring at his relatives. The fear on their faces put a small smile on his face. He walked down the hall a short ways and opened the cupboard under the stairs.

"Harry, what are you doing?" Minerva asked, shocked.

"Getting my stuff like you told me."

She looked into the cupboard as Harry retrieved his blanket and a few colors. [I may be a dumb American, but I'm not sure what you mean by 'colors'. Is that British for 'crayons' or was that an error?] As he backed out, with a quavering, hushed voice she asked, "Is that all you have?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Was this your room?"

"Yes ma'am."

Minerva fought hard to keep her temper. 'When the papers are signed, they will be getting some visitors. What's left of the Marauders will want them to pay dearly for this.'

"Come Harry, we have people to see." Harry walked along side Minerva to the park where she could disapparate [Jo uses 'disapparate' to refer to the act of disappearing at the point of departure and 'apparate' to refer to appearing at the destination, in addition to the process, generally.] [deleted 'safely'] unobtrusively to John's house.

"Harry, do you know anything about magic?" she gently asked.

"Huh? Are you a magician? I always wanted to see a magic show."

"No, Harry. I'm not a magician." Harry's face fell. "[deleted 'Harry, ']I'm a witch. And you young man, are a wizard."

"Witches and wizards only exist in stories." Harry looked at her in disbelief.

"Harry, I can assure you, we are quite real."

"Can you show me some magic?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes Harry, as a matter of fact we will use magic to reach our next destination."

"Cool!"

"Hold on to my arm. You will feel a little strange, but it's nothing to be afraid of, just hold on."

At exactly 9:00, there was a pop in John Gulliver's living room.

"Minerva is that you?" a voice called out.

"Yes, John, it's me." She replied turning in the direction of the voice, her wand in hand.

John came out of the hallway, a shotgun [deleted 'in his hand'] braced against his shoulder. "What is the debt I owe you?" [I picture a pistol when you describe a gun in hand. From my understanding, it is easier to get a shotgun licence for clay pigeon shooting, which doesn't require club membership, than rifles or pistols. I'm not sure how much harder it is if one lives in a city c.f. on a farm.]

"Your daughter's life."

"Sorry, Minerva, can't be too cautious you know."

"That's quite alright John. This is Harry Potter, the young man I need your help with."

"Potter. Why does that name ring a bell?"

"You worked with his parents once."

"But…they all died." He said as he looked at Harry.

"[deleted 'No John, ' It just feels superfluous. The simpler version feels more heartfelt to me.] We were told that, but it's not true. Unfortunately, I can't tell you more than that now. We need to meet the Grangers. I need to introduce them to magic and tell them a bit about Harry and his family. [deleted 'this family we talked about. There are things that I must tell them.'] If they can accept what I tell them and still want Harry, then things can continue the way we talked about. If not, I need to make other arrangements. Harry is not going back to those animals!"

An astonished Harry looked at Minerva's face with hope which he quickly fought down. This was probably going to be just as bad as life with the Dursleys. After all, he didn't deserve any better.

They got into John's car and made the forty-five minute drive to the Granger residence. Harry could only look on in awe. The homes in Surrey all looked alike [deleted space, one word], but here, though they were similar in design, [deleted 'but'] every house was unique. Some had balconies on the second floor. Others had verandas all the way around the ground floor. The gardens were as different as the houses. As they approached the house in front of them, Harry could feel a difference. He didn't know what it was, but it was a nice feeling. Maybe things were going to change for him, after all.

When they got to the front door, John knocked and a middle-aged man answered. Harry looked closely at the man. He was well built and Harry was just a little bit frightened of him. Vernon was big and fat, but he could still put a lot of power in a punch or swing of a belt. This man could do some serious damage if he hit Harry, so he shrunk behind Minerva.

Seeing this, Minerva turned and said, "You don't need to be afraid, Harry. No one will hurt you. You have my word." The skeptical way he examined her face broke her heart.

"Mr. Granger, this is the friend I was telling you about, Minerva McGonagall. May we come in?" John requested. [deleted 'said as they waited']

"Please, do come in. I'll let my wife and daughter know you're here." Dan said as he led the group into the living room.

A few minutes later, he returned with his wife and daughter. "This is my wife Emma and my daughter Hermione."

John replied, "[deleted 'My name is'] Allow me to introduce Minerva McGonagall and this young man is Harry Potter. Now before we go much further, there are things [deleted 'I'] we need to find out from Harry, and there are things [deleted 'that'] which you should know before you accept Harry into your home."

Hermione walked over, stood in front of Harry [deleted ', and held'] holding out her hand. "My name is Hermione. Nice to meet you Harry."

Harry looked between her hand and her face, unsure what to do. No one ever offered their hand to Harry before.

"Harry the polite thing to do when someone offers their hand in friendship is to shake it." Minerva said.

He looked at [deleted 'the woman'] her, eyes full of doubt. "Are you sure? No one has ever done that before because it's not safe for them."

"What do you mean, Harry?" she asked.

"At school, if someone wanted to be my friend, Dudley would beat them up."

The adults in the room looked mortified.

"Who is Dudley?" asked Hermione.

"He's my cousin."

"Does he live close by?"

Harry looked at Minerva and John.

"No Harry, he is not close by and he has no idea where you are."

He reached out and clasped her hand. It felt soft, warm, and comforting.

"May I sit next to you?"

Harry just nodded, not knowing why it pleased him that this girl wanted to be close to him. She sat down next to him and took his hand in hers.

Minerva looked at the children with a small smile at their interaction. [It seems like Minerva would want to introduce the idea of magic to the Grangers and Harry first since explaining Harry's background is so tied up with magical society.] "Harry, what do you know about your parents?"

"I have always been told that they were freaks. Lazy lay abouts that died because my father got drunk and had a car accident, killing my mother and leaving me with this scar." Harry lifted his bangs to expose the lightning bolt scar above his right eye. "I don't know why, but I never believed them."

"Is that all you know?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Harry, what I am about to tell you and the rest present, may be hard for you."

He just looked at her. "Why?"

"[deleted 'You and everybody else were lied to.'] You weren't the only one who were told lies. One of the leaders of magical society lied to us all and told us you were killed when [deleted '" She paused. "Harry,'] your parents were murdered nine years ago[deleted ' and we were told that you died too']. I don't know why, but [deleted 'we were' Active voice flows better and keeps the lie from feeling like it just happened. In the active voice an agent causes an event. In the passive voice, an event happens.]he did. If I had known you w[deleted 'h']ere still alive[deleted ', as well as some others,'] you would not have grown up as you did and I'm not the only one who would have ensured that."

"Why would someone want to murder my parents?"

"Do you remember when I told you, you were a wizard when I brought you here?"

"Yes."

[Again, I would suggest that either Minerva get the magic out of the way first or deal with the issue of Voldemort in nonmagical terms: cops targeted by an organized crime syndicate.]

Dan interrupted. "What do you mean he's a wizard? They don't exist."

"I'm afraid they do and that's [deleted 'another'] the primary reason your family was picked to take Harry. You see, I am the Deputy Headmistress of a school for witches and wizards. It is my duty to inform first generation witches and wizards. Harry's name is on that list. If we had known Harry was alive, I wouldn't have paid it any attention."

"Why not?" asked Emma.

"Harry is not a first generation wizard."

"What is a 'first generation wizard'?" asked Emma.

"Are you magical?"

Dan and Emma looked at each other. "No."

"Are your parents?"

"No."

"Do you know anybody in your family that is?"

"No. [deleted 'Why all the questions about us?"

"Because your daughter is a first generation witch."

"Our daughter'] Are you suggesting Hermione is [deleted 'not'] a witch?" Dan [deleted 'shouted'] exclaimed. [Much like Minerva, Hermione is incredibly intelligent and must have gotten it from somewhere. Surely her parents could see where Minerva is going with her question.]

"Tell me, has anything happened around here you can't explain, especially if Hermione was upset or very emotional?"

Dan, Emma, and Hermione looked at each other. "Like what?"

"Things being out of place, broken or changing from what they were before?"

"Mom, do you remember that pink dress you bought me and I told you I didn't like pink and the next day it was a light blue?"

Harry just looked at her. "You mean those things happen to you too?"

She looked at him and nodded.

"If this hadn't come up, I would have paid you a visit next summer after Hermione turned eleven and invited her to attend our school."

"Forgive me, but this all seems a little unbelievable. Can you show us [deleted 'something'] an example of magic?"

She pulled out her wand and with a few flicks of her wand had several objects around the room floating. Another flick and there was another chair in the room.

"Impressive, and you can teach Hermione how to do this?"

"[deleted 'Yes, we can.'] All this and more," Minerva smiled.

"You said Harry wasn't like Hermione, a first generation witch. What did you mean?"

"Harry's father is from a long line of witches and wizards. His mother was, like Hermione, a first generation witch."

"Okay, so why were [deleted 'his folks'] they murdered?"

"Harry's parents were the equivalent to a constable. When they died, we were in the midst of a civil war. They were very good at what they did, unfortunately, that made them a target. When the leader of our enemy went after someone personally, they [deleted 'don't usually'] almost never survived. How Harry did[deleted ','] I don't know. Their house was destroyed. It was quite easy to believe that Harry was dead as well."

"Why do you need our help? Why not take Harry with you?"

"As you heard from Harry, he knows nothing of our world. He was hidden away, for some reason, but the home in which he was [deleted 'put in'] placed, to put it mildly, was not a nice home.[deleted '" "'] How old would you say [deleted 'w'] Harry is?"

The Grangers looked at Harry, then each other. "Eight, maybe nine."

"I just turned ten the end of July," [deleted 'Which was two days ago'] interjected Harry.

[deleted 'The Grangers were shocked.'] "But that was just two days ago!" Emma exclaimed as the John and the Grangers all wore shocked expressions.

"Years of abuse and neglect have stunted Harry's growth. That is why I brought him here. With luck and some help from trusted friends, we may be able to help Harry overcome most of it. I will have to be careful whom I trust. One of the men that I thought I could trust with my life is the one that lied to us all. Helping Harry will require some binding oaths."

"What do you mean?"

"Any witch or wizard I ask for help will have to swear on their magic not to betray us. [deleted 'If they do and they betray us, they will die. Their magic'] Once sworn, such an oath will turn their magic against them which will kill them."

"Isn't that a little extreme?" Emma asked.

"Since you are non-magicals, you can not make such an oath, but let me ask you this: if you decide to help us, how far would you go to protect your daughter?"

"I suppose I would kill [deleted 'who ever'] I had to,[deleted ' threatened my daughter.']" Dan said [deleted 'forcefully'] reluctantly. [In general, people don't kill over threats and, given your portrayal in subsequent chapters, Dan seems more likely to do so only as a last resort. This strong declaration might fit for someone who is angry and has never had to kill, but for a soldier who has seen action, it is rather over the top.]

"And a defenseless child?"

Dan looked at Harry. "The same."

"Precisely. I knew and taught Harry's parents. They were remarkable people. As a teacher, we aren't supposed to have favorites, but sometimes you come across a student you just can't help but admire. James and Lil[deleted 'l']y were two such students. I'm afraid my mother lion is showing her claws."

"You knew my parents?" he asked in awe.

"Yes, Harry I did. James, when he started school was arrogant like many old family wizards, and a bit of a bully. Sometime during his third year, he and his friends turned their talents toward protecting those that couldn't protect themselves. Your mother still didn't approve of their methods, but did understand why they did it. It wasn't until their sixth year that they got together as a couple. They married two years after they left school. You were born a year later. You look like you father except for your eyes. Those are Lily's[deleted 'ies']."

Harry fought to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. Hermione wrapped him in a firm hug. At first, he tensed at the unfamiliar embrace. As he looked into her eyes, he slowly relaxed and turned into [deleted 'the embrace'] it, still fighting to hold back the tears as he had for so many years. He would not show weakness, especially with so many strangers.

[It's a bit odd to end a chapter in the middle of a scene like this, espectially if it isn't a cliffhanger. Ultimately, though, this is a stylistic choice that works. It's just a bit odd.]


End file.
